The Colour of Frustration

Just as we ‘see red’ when we’re angry I think the colour of frustration must be yellow. Today I am wading through a sea of custard. Got a call first thing to say Alexander had had a bad apnoea episode in the night and more or less stopped breathing. They had to ‘bag him’, a slightly unfortunate phrase meaning he crashed and they had to put an oxygen mask on him and force air into his lungs to keep him breathing. His heart rate had gone from an average 150 to 40 and he wasn’t waking himself up. So today he is back on assisted cpap and back in an incubator. Not even the normal one but the open one for babies they are keeping an extra close eye on. Gerard and I are paranoid that we gave him a cold but it might just as soon be related to feeding and reflux or none of those. There seems to be a lot of guess work and a lot of disagreement between the nurses and the doctors.

I’d gone home last night feeling quite good about the fact that he had taken two feeds yesterday and so I’d taken the evening off to sleep and recover from my mastitis. They forgot or didn’t have time to call us overnight to tell us what was happening and I was mad about it but tried not to show it or make a big fuss about it as it doesn’t help. They are trying to help him and working really hard for us. Later one of the night staff explained they had been so busy dealing with him and loads of admissions they simply ran out of time to call. I’d much rather they were busy saving babies than making protocol phone calls.

So here we are again. Snakes and Ladders. They might have to put him on reflux milk instead of my milk when he gets better. Beatrix, to add insult to injury is refusing to go on the breast today but taking bottles quite happily. I am worried she is getting confused by the bottles she has started having overnight. Some say they make them lazy as she seems frustrated all of a sudden where she was quite happy before. I love breastfeeding but would it be he worst thing in the world if they were bottle feeders? Not really. But it would be a shame to throw away the effort so easily. I could live with it. It might make things easier even but not yet. It’s hard to get a clear plan out of the nurses and I sense I need to be a bit pushy but it’s not easy when each person u
you ask has a different opinion. I will persevere and not give up after a slightly disappointing and VERY frustrating day. Tonight I went back for the first evening feed and it went on nearly and hour and a half. I’m not sure who was more frustrated me or Beatrix who just couldn’t settle.

Alexander has just about managed to open his eyes when he hears me but nit much else today. I hope he bounces back. I can feel that my emotional muscle memory is making it easier to cope with these setbacks. Come on kids. Let’s get better and go home. It’s so much nicer here.



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