There is nothing like being kept away from something for making you appreciate it. Today I woke up feeling 100 times better and virtually skipped back on to the ward. The nurses are probably wondering why I seemed unnaturally ready and willing to take the pooey nappy changes off them. I am virtually begging to try and breast feed which is surprisingly hard to fit in around the busy schedule of ward rounds, nappy changes and sleeping. I am so happy to be here today I must seem manic. Beneath it lingers a paranoia that Alexander has caught the house lurgy. Every time he sniffles or stirs I think I detect a sneeze or a wheeze or respiratory disease.
I managed to try and breastfeed both. Not as successful as last time but worth the effort just to get them used to the activity, my smell, the taste of milk so far only expressed directly into their stomachs my tube. I realised today, as I wrote out a schedule for pumping and just attempting two feeds each per day, how much discipline it is going to take to get through this next stage of establishing feeding and for a moment a dazzling and awesome vision of my next few months of trying to breastfeed twins opened up before me and I had to bang the lid shut quickly before it blinded me. One week at a time. I reckon, at a push, that B is two and a half three weeks from coming home and Alex a week longer…with no setbacks. They had some weight gain this week but he still has dodgy episodes and I am terrified of another backslide.
I am reading Haruki Murakami’s ‘What I talk about when I talk about running’. I read most of his novels and love his prose but not his endings which have a tendency to get a bit lost and then cheat the reader out of a resolution. This is his musings on running. I am reading to get my head in gear for starting to run again once I hit six weeks post op but his essays are making me reflect more on the parallels between the discipline of running and life, or rather, the necessity of applying oneself in a workmanlike fashion to anything you want to achieve. I will need some of his philosophy of running to get me through the next few weeks. This is absolutely a marathon event and not a sprint.