I got a call from Gerard shortly after he’d left this morning to say had I seen my messages? The hospital had called us both at 2am to say Alexander wasn’t doing so well. His oxygen desaturations had got worse and the night and he’d gone very lethargic so they had decided to put him back on cpap (ventilation) and back on antibiotics in case he had an infection.
I felt so guilty. Would they have called us in? Were they unsure if he’d make it through the night?

I had woken up feeling refreshed for once having got up to pump when I woke up naturally at 1am and slept through till morning. I hadn’t heard them ring at 7.15 or 7.16 either as I turn the ring off and my alarm sound down so as not to wake Gerard in the night. I had forgotten there was even as possibility the hospital might
ring with bad news.

I rushed Lucas out of the house in the
morning and told him he had to be good because Alexander wasn’t very well and mummy had to go to the hospital. I’m not sure it was a good idea to be so honest as he didn’t want to let go of me at the childminders. I think he might have misinterpreted what I’d said as I might not be coming back so I told him I would see him in the afternoon and that he was being very brave which seemed to do it. Perhaps my policy of emotional honesty should have its boundaries.

When I got to the hospital Alexander had been replaced by a new mum and a new baby. Like he’d simply disappeared. He had, of course, just been whisked back to the high dependency unit. Covered in tubes again and barely responding he looked a very sad picture. He is not very responsive today and seems tired but managed to squeeze my hand and open his eyes when I sang to him. I sense it is a huge effort even for him to manage that.

By contrast Bea has made it out of her
incubator into a cot and looks like she is on holiday. As I sang to Alexander it felt like we were right back at square one and my voice started to tremble as
I sang stormy weather. Just can’t
keep my poor self together. I’m weary all the time. Had to get out and have come for a walk to the hospital garden.

This picture of an elephant and its slogan made me laugh in the hospital this morning. I stomped out of the ward for air after two of the nurses dared to ask if I was ok in quick succession. My terse ‘fine’ probably wasn’t very convincing. Can’t a person feel upset and deal with things privately any more without someone asking you to explain how you feel? Yes I get the irony as I sit here blogging away and I know they are kind and want to help and it is part of their job. But I really don’t want to talk to strangers about it and I especially don’t like to cry on strangers. What is there to say?

It’s a bit tough. Hopefully it will get better. Let’s get on with it, fast forward a few weeks and get us out of here?



3 responses to “Crash

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