Sunny with a few clouds

Is it ok to enjoy yourself when you have two children in hospital? Today was sunny and calm but not without a few self inflicted clouds. We all went to the hospital together in the morning. Lucas is warming to the idea of his brother and sister. He knows their names and can sort of say them. He climbs up on a footstool to have a closer look and even kissed Bea on her hat today. He’s certainly a bit more circumspect of his brother and senses a potential rival. I asked if he wanted to sing them a song and he chose Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the Wheels on the Bus.

But his interest only lasts a few minutes and then he’s dragging one of us off to play which means G and I never get to spend time with them together. I felt guilty for the first time as we left after lunch following my second double cuddle. Yesterday they actually held hands. So cute. It felt right having them together again but is slightly less relaxing as they tend to sync their bradycardias and their heart rates plummet simultaneously requiring a vigorous rub to stimulate their hearts back into action.

We went on to our friend Kate’s 50th birthday at the Orangery in Gunnersbury Park. Lucas finally got his wish of ‘mummy daddy Lucas’ time as he calls it and had a ball running around the beautiful grounds with the attention of older children, scones, finger sandwiches and iced tea. It was such a stunning day. I spoke to a few new people but found myself exhausted by the effort and shamefully had only just enough energy to drink Pimms, run after Lucas a bit and lie on a picnic blanket without really socialising. After so many weeks at home and in the hospital I think I have forgotten all my social skills. I’ve only been at the hospital or at home since I got out and it was a shock to find out I am still recovering. Every few minutes I felt a real pang of guilt. As we’d
left the hospital Beatrix was wide awake staring at me with her beautiful, half seeing eyes. Still they manage to guilt trip me into a bit of emotional projection and I think she knows I am going and is trying to keep me there with her gaze.

Tonight I gave Lucas all my attention and made thank you cards with once he’d gone to bed. We made it through most of our chores to stop the house going to pot and I resisted the urge to clean before my new cleaner comes first thing tomorrow. I have no idea how she will put anything away as every cupboard is rammed and badly organised but I can’t fix it now.

G has very sweetly come and slept next to me to show solidarity as I sit pumping grumpily into the midnight hour. Luckily he has fallen asleep as I would lose sympathy if he knew half my time was taken up blogging.

Looking forward to getting back into my weekly routine tomorrow as weekends are tough in terms of dividing one’s love and time. When I dare to look at the amount of weeks we could be doing this it is a little like looking over the edge of a long drop. One day at a time. I daren’t scratch the itch of desperation to get these babies home or I’d go mad. So many beautiful little outfits keep arriving for them and I want to dress them up, take the, out and show them off.

Bea made it off her c-pap entirely today. Alexander has a bit further to go but is only on for a couple of hours every 12 hour shift and they look so much more comfortable for it. This has been a nice way to mark their progress and once there are no more tubes I know I will get impatient as there are no outward signs of them needing help. Patience patience patience. I have to think of it as the end of my pregnancy but without the burden of having to carry them.

Sleep while you can…




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