The Funeral was ok. What can you say? It was a funeral at a crematorium just for two. A bit traumatic to go through at such a time but we were glad we’d had a little ceremony just for us and I think we both needed to mourn the process and the journey of the last few months as much as our little one that didn’t make it. The funeral director was terribly sensitive and knew just what we needed. Someone to be very gently matter of fact about the order of things so that there were no surprises and not over sympathetic. He carried the body in in a tiny, pretty, shoebox sized cardboard coffin and they’d put tealights around it at the front. I was doing quite well until I saw the name Baby Evans at the top of a list outside the chapel informing attendees of the day’s service times. I hoped it wouldn’t upset other people seeing it that day.
They messed the music up a bit as we had half expected and ended up going from a light bit of Elgar’s Chanson d’amour to something rather darker due to the wrong medley album. Beware the mixey matchy classical medley. Unreliable at the best of times for setting a mood. From a production point of view, I kicked myself for not preempting that one. Tragicomic but not too important. We chose Judy Garland’s ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ to play as the curtain closed. I sing it to Lucas every night and now the twins, and it was also, by chance, the song at my nanna’s funeral. We were both grateful for a bit of unrequested Andrea Boccelli ‘Time to Say Goodbye’ to reflect after the 15 minute service. Not what I would have chosen but welcomingly rousing. Went for a walk in their beautiful rose garden and took comfort in the childhood smell of an English garden after the rain. Came home for tea.
Against that backdrop it was a good time to turn my attentions back to the living. Beatrix and Alexander continue to go from strength to strength. They are moving to six hours on, six hours off the c-pap (ventilation that helps them breathe). Neither are on any more medication. Both are back to their birth weight and guzzling my breast milk from syringes like troopers. A few little heart episodes but nothing unusual apparently. I helped to change a poo-ey nappy today, cleaned their little mouths with cotton buds and breast milk and did their feeds. Fell into a deep blissful sleep doing skin to skin time with Alexander and was a bit alarmed to wake up and find my hand covering his mouth. Oops.
Lucas was very happy to see me as I picked him up from the childminder’s today. I haven’t been able to do that for 8 weeks so it was a bit of welcome normality. He told me he was pleased to see me. So polite, so formal. The playmobil doctor and incubator set I found on eBay had turned up when I got home so we some spent some time playing hospitals. Lucas likes it best when I pretend the baby has a smelly nappy and the doctor likes to stand on the incubator and jump off (this doesn’t happen often at St Mary’s, not that I’ve observed anyway). And the incubator’s wheels and stand fall off quite a lot too which is funny in playmobil land but not so funny in the real world. As he went to bed he told me in the context of a Thomas the Tank Engine story that he’d been upset and that daddy, nanna and gaga (grandad) had been upset. He told me he was still upset but it was a play for sympathy and an acknowledgement of what he’s been through that he was after, I think, rather than a serious complaint.
I am attempting to instigate a new disciplinarian regime before the twins get home of early bed, bath when I say it’s going to happen and no arguing. Proving relatively successful so far. I think toddlers like to know who’s boss. Ha ha. He is of course the boss of us but mustn’t let him know it.
Gerard’s good friend Dr Carl came round to see me tonight bearing cherries, milk, eggs and cheesecake. What an excellent friend. Gerard is at the hospital tonight as we start our shift pattern. They say they may move the babies back to West Middlesex hospital later this week or early next which will make life much easier. I must take it as a sign of their good progress and not a negative. Carl assures me they would not do it unless they really felt they were ready.
Right, just time to tidy up a bit, attempt to unpack, pump and sleep and do it all again tomorrow.